McC's Corner: Well folks, I choked

But friends, what you don't understand is, my body and mind are falling apart.

Let me explain it in simple terms for Joe and Suzy USA. See, I've tried watching video of last night's debate myself, but it's too painful. Did you see me out there? Like an old rancher screaming about the cost of rocks? My eyes rolling back and forth like a bunch of cheap pinballs? I couldn't even remember people's names after being told them. President of the United States? I barely qualify to be a Walmart greeter.

But it's not my fault. America, I have health problems. It's my age. My hands are numb, my sciatica is flaring. Liver function is low. Heart's been murmuring. Pancreas is malfunctioning. Spleen is dripping. I have jaundice. And my teeth are rotting. Doctors are concerned. Not Good, they keep telling me. And the gas. If you only knew how much gas I'm constantly holding in. Tight squeelers whenever they escape. All day long is a constant loop of shitting and speeches. Enough of this. Just give Palin the job. When can I take a nap?

Could anyone even understand me out there? I couldn't. Walking around wide-eyed, stuttering like a wooden puppet with no bendable knees, about to snap in half. Pointing at nothing. Belching and gulping. What kind of science exhibit have I become? And what's with all the interrupting? What was with all those questions? Why do they have such loud music at these things? Reminds me of the day my neck broke in half, head dangling helpless. Happened in church when I yawned. Twenty hours in the hospital correcting the whole mess. Good thing they had some ice. Can't we instead focus on this?

America, let's just be honest. Last night was a complete loss. Yes, total loss. It was enough for me to not walk out there with the IV bag of vitamins and Gas-X still connected and oxygen mask lined up. But my advisors insist rolling out all that equipment might signal the wrong message. Well, we get back on the horse. But I don't feel so good.

I'll tell you one thing. If I ever get five minutes alone with that Tom Brokaw, I'll beat the shit out of him. Let's just focus on what's important.

Ahem, let's see, I'm John McCain and I approve of this message.

What? Cindy, No! Dammit I'm dictating here. Shut up! Who cares about another dead gorilla! Dammit I'm on the pho- - (phone hangs up with a clang, dialtone)

... Senator John McCain is a guest blogger on www.ep.tc

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